A Room With a New View

This morning I woke to the news that 4 men were found guilty in the “bus rape” that occurred in India last December. It was this well publicized rape that awoke my interest in writing about violence against women but more specifically the epidemic of rape that exists in the world. I recently found myself unable to write. As much as I tried I could not write one paragraph that felt meaningful to me. I thought that it might be that the summer brought more demands of my time than usual or that it was simple “writers block” to which I thought I was immune. I even blamed the therapist I began sharing with because he served as an outlet that I hadn’t had before. Yesterday I read the much shared story about the 8 year old Yemeni girl who was forced into a marriage with grown man and then died of internal injuries after her wedding night. My hands began to shake, tears began to flow and I thought I would become physically ill. 

When I was about 18 to 20 years old I had a dream that I was wearing a Burqa and concealing a weapon beneath it as I fled from someone. When I woke I was not relieved but disappointed. The burqa’d woman in my dream represented someone that I admired and still admire. She was someone who was liberating women from oppression. Yesterday I realized that delving into the subject of violence against women has offered me a glimpse into the “depths of hell” and at this time of my life I’m not prepared to dwell there. I asked myself if I am simply running from a subject that makes me uncomfortable or unable to deal with unresolved issues from my own life. I have come to the conclusion that I simply cannot be my best for the people who live with me when I delve into that darkness.

What I do know for certain is that I enjoy writing about things that are “awe inspiring”. In addition to many topics that I find awe inspiring are the people and organizations that improve the lives of others. Writing about those people will not only bring about awareness but will celebrate their work. If you would like to recommend an organization or person that I should explore please email me at Kcikeizer@comcast.net.  I’d like to write about people who work to promote gender equality, LGBT folks, international aid, the rights of children or the protection of animals. I'm also interested in writing about places, research and discoveries. I look forward to hearing from you.

In the meantime for those of you who have supported my writing or been so kind as to share my writing please accept my heartfelt gratitude.

With Love, 

Ingrid

Navigating Through The Syrian Conflict. Dear Mr. President

Dear Mr. President,

This week I have continued to struggle with my opinion on the subject of US Airstrikes in Syria.  Even after writing my last blog entry on the subject, I have been troubled by how to sort out information and form an opinion that I feel certain reflects my belief system. I want to understand because the actions that you take on behalf of the nation reflect on me as an American. I want my perception of this situation to be accurate because if my country takes the wrong turn, I don’t want to be lost. I want my moral compass to be intact.

These are the issues in conflict that linger in my mind:

THE PROS

We have received confirmation of the use of Chemical weapons. The “Red Line” has been crossed. If we ignore the use of Chemical Weapons what are we communicating? At what point do we react to the use of chemical weapons? Will we intervene when they are used of our allies or will we wait until they are used on Americans? Does turning our back on the use of chemical weapons invite or even encourage further use?

Innocent people are suffering in Syria. We are bombarded by images of children who are orphaned, wounded and of those who are now refugees. The United States is both ridiculed and applauded for its acts of humanitarianism. It is the US that is frequently the first responder to international victims of natural disaster. Americans are known for digging deep into their own pockets to offer relief efforts to those in need. If that image no longer defines America, what does?

THE CONS

Can airstrikes alone serve as a solution to the problems that exist in Syria? Will this intervention serve as a sure fire means of removing Asaad from power?

If Asaad is removed from power will Syria be better off? Will it bring stability? Will lives be restored to that which was normal before the conflict began? Are the US and France willing to remain in order to enforce some level of peace, if so for how long?

If the violence that exists in Syria is intolerable why aren’t more countries in the Middle East expressing their concerns? Why isn’t Saudi Arabia leading a military intervention? If the US becomes involved militarily, is the conflict likely to grow and increase tension in our Middle East relationships?

Can the US really involve itself in another country’s conflict when the results in Iraq, Afghanistan and in Libya are really in question? Can we truly justify the additional military spending when many of the US veterans of each conflict are homeless, jobless and disabled?

Although we have confirmation of chemical weapons, do we have confirmation of which side used them?

Last week I asked one of my French friends his thoughts on military intervention and in addition to sharing his valid opinion he ended the conversation by saying, “Ultimately, when I voted for Francois Hollande I entrusted him with the power to make the right decision on the behalf of France. I will support my president”. 

I thought about what my friend said and then I thought about why I chose to vote for you. I knew that you would be our president when I saw you speak at the democratic convention in 2004.  You spoke with such eloquence that it was spell binding. You spoke to us as though you knew what was in our hearts. My husband and I waited to see you for four hours at Municipal Hall in Kansas City on January 29^th of 2008. It was magical. US Senator Claire McCaskill stood beside you on stage to represent Missouri while Governor Kathleen Sebelius stood on the other side to represent Kansas. A small group of people began to chant “Rock Chalk Jayhawk” but it was quickly drowned out by the exuberant cheers for you. There was an experience in that auditorium that day, a knowing, as we stood shoulder to shoulder in all shades of skin color. There was a shared knowledge that everything that had occurred in our history, Rosa Parks, The Civil Rights Movement, The Women’s Movement, your presence justified the tears that were spent and the blood that was spilled. We witnessed the remuneration for work that had been done by those who came before us.  You validated what we had all dreamed was possible of our country but hadn’t quite believed could happen. You represented HOPE before it became part of your slogan. That Mr. President is the reason I voted for you. 

Then I began to think about what the US is today and I thought about the people that represent this country. I thought about the people who have chosen not to become part of this conversation because they believe that their opinion doesn’t matter. I thought about those who support the airstrikes and the passion behind their choice. I thought about the people that are so cynical that they say that can’t see the difference between you and your predecessor. I thought about the people who are still weeping for those they lost in Iraq or Afghanistan. I thought about those who lost fortunes in investments to greed on Wall Street. I thought about jobs lost and homes foreclosed upon. I thought about scarcity and “just getting by”.

It is hard for me to think that I go about my life comfortably and without fear as the people of Syria suffer. It’s also hard for me to imagine that this country could intervene in yet another country’s struggle when the majority of the country cannot stand together in support of it. I think that we can see that we as a nation are beginning to recover, but we are not whole yet. We are not strong enough for another fight.

Pondering Syria From My Air-Conditioned Bunker in Missouri

Image from www.usatoday.com

This morning as I opened my eyes, I was struck by the stillness in my home. It was still dark, there was no light leaking through the tiny gaps in the closed blinds and there were none of the sounds of cars moving through sleepily on their way to work. I could only hear the smooth hum of the central air already at work, cooling our home in a strange, late heat wave. I remembered then, “It is Saturday”. Then I silently took inventory of those I love, two asleep in my home, two away in their own lives almost certainly safe, cozy and asleep with their partners. I moved my foot to search for the warmth of my husband and found him next to me, not away in another time zone calculating a time to call home. I relaxed and tried to close my eyes again but my mind had already jumped into motion. I thought about the threatened air strikes. I thought about the images with which we have been bombarded throughout the week, images of dusty, olive skinned children with brown eyes who could easily have been mine. I thought about the photos of tired looking Syrian faces holding signs suggesting that the world had abandoned them. Then as I often do when I hear of misery and conflict in a country far from mine, I imagined a woman like me, a mother whose day might not have begun with the luxury of the cool, quiet darkness, safely taking inventory of her life. 

I have a tendency to view the world through my two worlds. I view it through my life in Missouri where I live in a suburb of Kansas City and through my job which I do virtually, providing business English training to executives in their offices in France.  Both presidents, Obama and Hollande are speaking of the “red line” which has been crossed in the use of chemical weapons in Syria. Each are speaking of military action. Each indicates that at a minimum air strikes are in order. Meanwhile the residents of both countries are evaluating what that means and how that reflects in each of our countries and in each of our lives. 

Americans and the French seem to share a rather mutual respect and admiration for one another while each quietly harbors a mild disdain for the other. I really boil it down to a significant cultural difference and sense of nationalism that neither cares to evaluate. I find myself nodding in agreement to both and indulging in the beauty of the contrast that both offer. This week I conducted my own sondage, a poll. I asked about 50 of my French friends their thoughts on the subject. I was interested to learn that the results seem to mirror those conducted in the US. I heard the same concerns expressed as those that I hear from my American friends. Most people in both countries seem to be in objection to any sort of military involvement. Most feel that any involvement would result in a fight made much larger and complicated by political battles that we simply are simply not prepared to negotiate. Many of the French brought up the war in Iraq, a wound between us that has not ceased to fester. They spoke of our shared involvement in Afghanistan and asked what it was that we really accomplished there. The current social conditions in Libya were mentioned. The media presented photos of Gaddifi’s dead body after allied airstrikes but little attention was given to human rights after, was it worth it?

There were comments however, made in both the US and in France, though represented by numbers half of those in objection, who made passionate statements in support. Their concerns come from a true sense of humanitarianism. “We must end this civil war” they said, “We must simply stop the suffering”. Those words, I must admit are the words that ring true in my heart. Those words are those that remind me that I am here today because allied soldiers liberated my Dutch father from a German work camp and because allied forces intervened in the Asian holocaust that occurred in the life of my Indonesian mother. Because of military intervention, I have the extravagant luxury of lying in my bedroom in the Missouri darkness of morning and counting my blessings as I begin my day.

I however, must balance that emotional truth with what is also logic. There is a sense of weariness in all of this. I don’t believe that the US has recovered its stamina or the strength that has been spent on the military activity of the last decade. The images of the young men and women who have returned from recent wars as amputees are still very fresh. The number of young veterans who are homeless after their service to our country is a staggering reality. The young men and women who have served and returned with PTSD and are now attempting to negotiate life in a barely recovering economy is an indication that here too, there is suffering. All of this and I haven’t even touched on the battle scars of the American economy.

In my lessons with my French learners I often compare the human rights issues of other countries to those that exist within our own communities. I ask them if we would intervene if we knew that the neighbor was beating his wife. Of course we all would, we would try to rescue her, offer her a safe place, give her some money to start over somewhere else, beat the crap out of the husband, we would put a stop to it. But this morning I have to question my own sense of righteousness. “What if we didn’t have the physical strength to fight that battle? What if our own families needed our attention and our resources? What would we do then?”

Refuge From Domestic Abuse

A few weeks ago my husband and I attended a benefit for Hope House of Kansas City (http://www.hopehouse.net/). Aside from the fact that my husband convinced me to dress for the 80’s theme instead of in cocktail attire, it was a lovely event. Hope House provides shelter to victims of domestic violence but it also provides so much more, such as therapy, court and legal programs, hospital based advocacy and training for law enforcement, social workers, hospital personnel and even corporations. Hope House provides services to over 10,000 victims a year.

 In most cases this is not a subject that people enjoy discussing. It is unpleasant and sometimes it strikes unbelievably close to home. However, it is an issue that occurs in epidemic proportions and if we don’t confront it, it won’t go away. 

A study performed by WHO (World Health Organization) indicates that one third of women worldwide are victims of domestic violence. WHO acknowledges that one third might significantly under-estimate this number because shame prevents women from sharing their experiences. I understand the element of shame in sharing. In what seems to have been another life and perhaps even another world, I was a victim too. I’m told that when we can speak or write about trauma we have learned to “deal with it”. I suppose that I haven’t learned to deal with it. Like the other blemishes that map my life, I tend to keep that part of my history concealed. 

There are elements of domestic violence that are evident to most people. It is dangerous to families and to communities. But there are other issues which are not so obvious and have far more long lasting effects. WHO has reported that domestic violence results in higher levels depression, drug abuse and alcohol abuse in victims. Women who are victims of domestic abuse are more likely to give birth to low birth-weight babies and children raised with domestic violence are more likely to be violent. None of these issues fade or heal with bruises and broken bones. All of these issues draw on community resources and demands for government funding. Perhaps the most important disturbing fact is that the majority of women murdered each year, die at the hands of a partner who claimed to have “loved them”.

Like many women who are victims of domestic violence, I returned to my partner over and over and over again. It was easy for my friends and family to shake their heads in disbelief. They did not understand the emotional or financial vulnerabilities that go along with leaving. They could not hear the voice within me that said that on some level I must have deserved it.

There are a lot of things we can do to help prevent domestic violence in the future. We can break down barriers to gender equality. We can be persistent in advocating for affordable education for all people. We can help young women to understand the importance of establishing financial self-dependence. We can invest in affordable, quality early childhood education programs. And we can raise our daughters, nieces and sisters with the knowledge that they are valuable, that their opinions matter and with the knowledge that they are capable.

In the meantime we need to stop turning away from information that makes us uncomfortable. Domestic Violence exists in our communities. It exists in our neighbor’s homes, it exists in our colleagues lives and it might even exist within our own families. Pretending that we don’t see it doesn’t make it go away. Without the help of organizations like Hopehouse there is no refuge, there is no easily accessible, affordable legal advocacy, there is no assistance with mental health care and there is no training for community awareness. There are just 10,000 victims a year in the Kansas City area alone with nowhere to turn. 

To learn more about Hope House please visit: http://www.hopehouse.net/

Was Matriarchy Written Out of History?

I’ve been thinking a lot about Matriarchy. You know, societies who were governed by female leaders. For most people the perception that comes to mind are the fabled (or perhaps not) Amazonians who were said to have been great warriors and for whom the Amazon River is said to have been named. The Amazons whose story may have originated in Greek Mythology were said to have mated with their enemies and kept only their female children. I seem to have a Hollywood imprinted image of women who are tremendously tall, scantily clad, bear bows and arrows and are cruel to men. In fact matriarchal societies have and do exist in various indigenous civilizations where men are not perceived to be the enemy but where women lead in terms of household, finances and societal rule making. The Austrian Writer and early feminist Bertha Diner wrote in 1930 that she believed that all human societies were matriarchal then evolved to more male-dominated societies and worsened. I wonder if Diner’s theory could be true. I often wonder what a matriarchal earth would look and feel like.

Yesterday morning I woke to learn that bombs in the provincial capital of Quetta, Pakistan targeted a bus carrying students from Sardar Bahadur Khan Women’s University. Fourteen women were killed and nineteen were wounded. Although reports indicate that no groups have come forward to claim responsibility, the assumption that it was a radical statement made in objection to women’s education doesn’t seem unreasonable. As with most violent acts targeted at women in attempt to demonstrate some sort of supreme masculine act of control, I am left with the inability to comprehend this ignorant mindset.

Unfortunately we do not have to look as far as Pakistan to find examples of violence against women. Rape is commonly used as a tool of control and exists at epidemic levels throughout the world. RAINN (http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims) estimates that 1 in 6 US women have been a victim of sexual violence. That translates to 17.7 million women in the US alone. Meanwhile in the US, domestic violence is the most common cause of injury to women. Domestic Violence Statistics (http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/) indicate that three women in the US will be killed by their husbands or boyfriends daily. If I understand correctly,  more women are killed by men who claim to “love” them, than by strangers.

The strongly Islamic Minangkabau people of Sumatra in Indonesia are an ethnic group who originated in the Highlands of West Sumatra. Traditionally, property and land are passed down from mother to daughter. Some people believe that because the custom was for Minang men to travel to seek work, it was in the best interest of the family’s future generations for property to follow the women as women were traditionally more stationary. Minangkabau men believe that men can live anywhere, but women need shelter. The matrilineal custom seems to be a highly valued custom among the Minang as they live with relative equality.

The Mosuo are a very small ethnic group that live in China very near the Tibetan border in the provinces of Yunnan and Sichuan who are also considered to be matriarchal. Women are the property owners and the decision makers in business. Many say lightheartedly that the men have very little responsibility as they must save their energy for nighttime activities. As with the Minangkabau lineage is traced through the female side of the family. Unlike the Minangkabau the identity of the father might be unknown and that fact is unimportant. There is no traditional marriage among the Mosuo. Children produced by sexual unions are the responsibility of the mother and the mother’s family. Women choose their sexual partners and sex occurs at the discretion of the woman. Domestic violence is almost non-exsistant.

My personal favorite, the Bayaka are a nomadic pygmy tribe found largely in the Central African Republic and Northern Congo. Bayaka fathers are the primary caregivers for the children. Couples share responsibility for hunting, cooking and house chores. Bayaka fathers are said to interact with their children five times as much as in other societies. The babies are held almost constantly which explains why the Bayaka are known as the best fathers in the world.

Matriarchy has existed throughout history and still exists among some ethnic societies. Though we tend to associate matriarchy with some sort of female domination, in most cases it seems to be less about power and more about equality. It also stands to reason that when the question of dominance is eliminated violence against women decreases.

I do wonder if Bertha Diner’s hypothesis on matriarchal societies could be true. Is it possible that   women were the leaders in ancient civilizations? Could it be that over time history was rewritten to suit the needs of men? Is it possible that men began to feel the need to exert their supremacy in order to gain more control over their environment? Is it possible that ethnic groups like the Minangkabau were the norm in ancient civilizations and the remoteness of their geographical location allowed them to maintain their culture?

Inevitably when I have a conversation regarding equality, I am quickly accused of being a “man hater”. I assure you that I am not. I love men. I love their masculinity. I love their intellect and their intensity. I love the protective nature of a man. I love the feeling of their muscularity beneath my hands and against my body. I love their confidence. I love men, not insecure cowards who fear loss of power or feel emasculated by a woman’s potential. In my perception the bombers of the bus carrying students from the women’s college in Pakistan were not men. Husbands and boyfriends who carry out domestic violence are not men. Rapists are not men. They are some sort of sub-species with a penis who use their physical strength to control their environment because they are ultimately powerless. 

As I write this the sun is rising on the other side of the earth as it has for billions of years. Amazingly, no matter how many women are killed and injured by car bombs, regardless of how many women are murdered by their loved ones, no matter how many women endure the tragedy of sexual violence, the sun continues to rise day after day. It is the same sun that has shone over our mothers and grandmothers and those before them. Like the earth that sustains us, women too carry life and we are truly powerful beyond measure. We must simply remember who we are.